Sexual Drives and Desires
Sexual desire is about your body, mind and heart working together.
Knowing how your reproductive and sexual pleasure systems work is a start. But sex is in the head and heart too. Feeling desire for one human body as opposed to another body is itself a complex process — but the reality is that our desires are usually also about one particular person rather than another.
Chemistry and your heart.
People talk about there being "chemistry" between two people. That's because it feels like it's happening at the body level, outside of your mind and heart — but "chemistry" is really about your mind and heart weighing in on your body's sexual decision making! If you are having sex with a partner, it's good to get both your heart and mind involved. Our bodies, heart and mind are wired together and you can learn to make the most of that to get the sexual afterglow you want — and the great love life you want.
Your sexual desires and preferences are unique to you.
Know your body — and your heart — and
know how to get what you really want in your sex life.
Patterns of arousal and desire vary from person to
person. We are not all the same, and what turns one person on may be a
turn off for another person. We each have unique feelings, desires and
fantasies, and that's normal. And further, it's normal that these change over the course of our life and in different conditions and with different partners.
For many men and women sexual desires can be overwhelming and
confusing. You may at first feel embarrassed or shy about your
sexual preferences and needs. You may even feel as though your urges
and desires aren't
"normal" or are "weird". Because we have limited ways of learning about
our own and other people's sex lives, we often stay in the dark when it
comes to sex.
Get your sexual
preferences clear and out of the dark.
Whether you are in a relationship — or not — and sexually active — or
not — it is important to take the time to understand your own sexual
needs and preferences. Who are you as a sexual being? What is erotic to you? What turns you off? What do you really
enjoy? What are you NOT interested in?
I was really happy with my decision to wait till after high school to have sex. In college I feel more equipped. Just the dynamics of a relationship and how it works is tough enough. Adding sex makes everything a lot more complicated.— Aaron
Understanding your own sexual needs, preferences and desires is a process of self-discovery, but it's helpful to hear about the experiences of others, and experts. Learn more from the stories of others in Voices of Experience or use our recommended links "Beyond the WiRE" in BTW Links:Your Sex Life to help you get out of the dark on all things sexual.
BTW, for a good place to start, try GoAskAlice.Columbia.edu-- the link will take you right to their Q&A page on sexuality. You can get answers to your own
questions about sex from experts — and also learn from the experiences
of others. You'll see questions and answers you never even dreamed of
asking about yourself, learn about masturbation, orgasm, fetishes,
Map the route to getting what you want
sexually — while staying true to your heart and your values.
Knowing what you want sexually isn't the complete path to great sex. You've got choices, big choices to make. Move on to Sex with a Partner: Aftershock or Afterglow, or try one of these related topics in other sections of UWiRE:
- Setting a
for yourself will help you balance your bodily sexual urges and drives with
your head and your heart so you stay in the driver's seat.
- Knowing what you want will not get you what you want unless you send clear signals about -- and even -- yes, TALK ABOUT SEX!
- You are more than your sexual self — take time to get clear on what your life and love goals are.
- When you are thinking about your sexual partner as a potential life partner — know what matters to you!